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Saturday, November 19, 2005


How to spend time when there's never enough time. there's no way.

Up in the cloud club, behind the old spinet, since the grand is at the studio, trying to remember how music is played. the sheet music needs to be finished, the sheets are staring at me, the ink is wet and everything i do is an accident, but some accidents are good. at seven o'clock, i decide that life is worth living outside of my life so i go out to see casy dienel at the lizard lounge. brian has my volvo down in new jersey, so i take the subway. people on the subway don't talk to each other, unless they're drunk.

getting out in harvard square, in a terribly weird mood, neither here nor there, i start to think about all the people i know who are getting divorced. three years, ten years, twenty years, it seems to make no difference. when will the world shift the paradigm and realize that alone-ness with sporadic moments of togetherness is better? everything i love to do, lately, is alone. but maybe that's because my life has become such a warped context.

walking to the lizard lounge, our old haunt where we played many a many a show, i descend the stairs into dark red. heroin by VU is playing. there are eight people there. in the story, it sounds like paradise, but in reality, it feels superficial. none of these scenes ever feel authentic. still, i order my beer and sit at a table, feeling like this moment is a worthwhile one, a rare moment worth enjoying. casey plays her piano and sings. she's wonderful. her new shirt keeps slipping off her shoulders. she seems lonely, so her music is good. she wants to move to brooklyn.

you held me
like a tundra
shifting blocks of ice....

i stay longer than i should and leave for the subway, sitting on the bench letting my thoughts spin and not paying too much attention. i decide to get off at park street and walk home. it's a long way, a few miles. all the bars are closed. boston is a bleak pre-pre-holiday wasteland. the lights are on, but no one's home. fall blow-out sale. everything must go.

i walk through the public garden and casey's words are still echoing.

you held me....
like a tundra....
shifting blocks of ice

everything is still picture-perfect, even though it's almost bare. the rose bushes and the swan boats.
i wonder how long into the winter they manicure the bushes. do they stop when it snows? do they never stop?
for the tourists.

i walk over the littel foot-bridge, singing my song to myself.
there's a couple kissing and they don't stop kissing, they pretend not to notice me. they hold a long moment while i pass.
it's not uncomfortable for me. i wonder if either of them is married.

i double-back after the footbridge to stay off the main garden path, so i can walk along the pond.
the pond isn't frozen, but there's no sign of life. all the fallen leaves have gathered to the banks, magnetism.
the whole park is desolate, just expanses of gray in the night, different shades of nothingness.
the pond is stillborn, even more man-made depressing in the fluorescent lights that must stay on at all hours. never lit by the moon.
the trees are clinging to their last few dried-looking white tea leaves. everything must go.

in the pond. by the edge. something's there.

it stands out like a bright green radio-active mistake of nature, bobbing there, magnetized with the rest of them to the bank, like some summer leaf that didn't get the memo.
it's a small bottle, a very small bottle, a definitely non-industrial sized bottle, a bottle about the size of a salad dressing. an empty bottle.

an empty bottle of miracle-gro.

floating there, comically dwarfed by the bigger miracle of death, fall and everything must go.


mike12183 said...

This post has been removed by the author.

1:13 AM  
mike12183 said...

its all about the weather. i'm still getting use to being alone. its the attachment that the Dali Lama was talking about yesterday on tv. ultimitly i still feel afraid when i'm alone. although i understand, alone time helps me improve myself, i can't understand the happy part about it just yet. maybe its a different happy. maybe im not ready for it. its also wierd cause i'm not the social type at all. i just like being around people in small groups. i have been alone alot lately and i'm starting to realize new things. not necessarily clear, but definitly new. maybe the thrill of that ambiguity is what its all about. my life is one big distration, so maybe time away to recapture this is a good thing.
thanks for sharing. thanks for the music. hang in there.

"she seems lonely, so her music is good"

love that line.

1:20 AM  
Michael Sandy said...

Emotion lost, emotion found , there is always a root to the unknown and commonplace. I agree whole-heartedly that in the age of inpropriety, it is much better to be a loner of life and occasionally enjoy the supposed "forbidden fruit". Miracle Gro is needed to maintain the bounties of life, as well as the future. Thank you for sharing your roots of belief , now keep them watered and plenty of sun, and then they shall flourish again.

2:33 AM  
Categorically NOT Louise Brooks said...

Gosh, you know, I like you. You should write comic books. I saw panels in my head with this post.

10:04 AM  
andrea said...

This post has been removed by the author.

8:32 PM  
andrea said...

Sounds like an idea for a song to me. I think your songwriting mind is starting to run it's wheels just haven't taken notice yet. =)


8:34 PM  
uhhh? said...

beautiful journal entry. i created a blog here just so that i could leave you comments. i can't wait to see you on the 30th. stay fresh.

11:42 PM  
Bold As Love said...

This is the first post in a while that has truly moved me. I really enjoy your other posts, and they definitely make me think but this on was different. When you said (something like) I haven't written a song I'm proud of in two years--that really reverberated with me. It seemed as though you were losing some of your creativity, but I'm so happy to see that it was just hiding from you. Even if I am misconstruing and assuming all of this, I just wanted to say thank you.

1:32 AM  
Misanthropic Altruist said...

Beautifully tragic. That type of irony amuses and saddens me. Most people wouldn't even catch your observation. This is why I enjoy your music and writing. It's your attention to detail. ;*) Keep it up.

6:55 AM  
artist said...

Makes sense to me, the zwans need their toys 2!

2:12 PM  
dark angel said...

everythings gonna die someday.. the plants die first. then we all die. isnt that just a happy picture? not

4:37 PM  
bleh said...

you're amazing

6:51 PM  
Olivia said...

That's one of the things I love about you, Amanda. It seems that you can take anything and make it so poetic, or like lyrical prose. It's beautiful and quite inspiring.
Such imagery. So beautifully poetic with an underlying feel of this strong emotion that I can't seem to name, but I know it have something to do with sadness, lonelyness, as you said you feel alone. I think in a sence, everyone is alone. But, alone can be good, sometimes. At least you can scratch yourself in places you couldn't with others around. :P (Just trying to make you laugh. Hope it worked. Hee hee. ^__^ )

8:07 PM  
R.W said...

Well, I just like to say that i am from Brazil and I listen to your songs everyday while i go to work. It's amazing. Makes me feel.

11:50 AM  
noamchmosky666 said...

when will the world shift the paradigm and realize that alone-ness with sporadic moments of togetherness is better?

Better how?

Do you mean it's more authentic; refusing the compromises of "togetherness."

I gather from your writing/lyrics thats what you mean, but to me trying to declare one way of living life as right seems a tad anti-individualistic. I agree that the culture we live in is rife with people desparate to be in a relationship, dying to not be alone, but I don't think it necessarily means that the whole idea of togetherness is bad. And frankly, who am I to judge a person if they choose the temporary myopic bliss of "togetherness," over cold reality. It ain't my bag, but for others, it gets them through the day. (And sometimes it's terrible too.)


4:19 PM  
fieryredfairy said...

I hope you and Brian have a joyus holiday. Being an avid subway traveler, people can be quiet at times, unless they are drunk then they feel they have the ability to speak.

However, being an artist it is difficult at time having to deal with on looker's wondering what am I writing in my journal or drawing in my sketch book.

6:36 AM  
Burp... I´m Sorry! said...

People don´t like to be alone ´cause they´re afraid of theirselves. They can´t stand their own presence, they need someone else talking, kissing, fucking, to forget who they are.
That´s why people get married, I think.

3:19 PM  
diana .&&!POW. said...

Do you get annoyed when people talk to you in harvard square and stuff like that? Because if I was there, seeing as I'm there all the time, I would be overly happy for the chance to talk to you.

I think music in boston, and the weather and everything recently has just been mediocre. I don't know. Maybe i'm just clueless?

6:01 PM  
diana .&&!POW. said...

This post has been removed by the author.

6:01 PM  
Greyson said...

Amanda, you are the miracle-gro for my life. Sinful, wicked, delightful indulgence. Thank you

8:57 PM  
days much longer than nights said...

haha, it made me laugh when you said "doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, i wonder if either of them are married."

you have a sense of humor that always sets me off like a madwoman sometimes.

10:49 PM  
sian_shoe said...

I love the fact you blog. I can't see Madonna or even Tori bloody Amos blogging anything for fans to read, and I'm curious as to why you do so. The Brian and Amanda of Dresden Dolls (with image-grabbing make up and bowler hats and stripey stockings) seems like a world of dress up, and assuming a role, and here you seem to break that down and confess stuff no artist usually dares to.

Oyvey, I think too much. Anyway.

Thank you for the lovely entry- I do agree with a previous poster when it sounds almost might the premise of a song...

6:00 PM  
mollixs said...

that was beautiful.

7:57 PM  
mikc said...

...You must know the 66 will get you to harvard square much faster than green to red ...if it ever shows all...

10:20 PM  
md said...

this isn't aimed towards you amanda, mostly the people saying things along the lines of "i think you are in the music writing groove"
there is no groove. you just do it. you have to force yourself to do it. i am in an art school, a freshman and my writing teacher and I got in a conversation about this in front of the class. the discussion was suppose to be aimed towards the whole class, but im pretty sure it just hit me and knocked all these crazy words out. to sum it up: half the people that go to my school wont make it becuase they dont do art on their own or make make make make even though they are tired or busy. it is work. no one cares that you make art unless you do something about it and just plain DO it. so fucking DO it. again, not aimed at you Amanda, you know this. just randomly aimed.

oh yeah, good entry, a little on the emotional side though... lets get happy.

10:44 PM  
sparklingjane said...

i thinks it is time for amanda to be happy again...

1:56 AM  
beautiful enigma said...

I don't think it has anything to do with Amanda being sad at all. Point being, the world is bleak, and it's likely that this is how she sees it. There's no sadness in accepting reality. Just because a person is realistic, doesn't mean they're sad. There's much solitude to be found in being alone, at times. Sometimes being alone is better than being with another person. Yet, at some point every person will crave the company of another which is why we bond with others. Having said that, Amanda isn't truely alone at all, she has Brian, and she has her fans. So just let her take some time out for herself.

5:11 PM  
Hinna said...

The Miracle-Gro will eventually perish, stop existing, and by then the spring will be around, beautiful life sprouting everywhere, and there it is again. Something weird standing out of all things normal.

3:28 PM  

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